tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33857605739421516042024-03-07T19:57:48.325-08:00Tony's jokesTonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-27424092061143116642024-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:002024-01-18T13:51:58.510-08:00Trump dies and goes to heaven<p>Donald
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're
on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have
to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Trump
thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the
first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was
his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led
him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented
Trump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton
lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his
legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a
while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled
and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"</p>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-62722735091905792782021-03-30T00:17:00.001-07:002021-03-30T00:17:06.636-07:00Neighbor with Alzheimers<p> My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.<br /><br />Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.</p>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-10740482251591862452021-03-30T00:14:00.003-07:002021-03-30T00:14:54.800-07:00Trip to rome<p> A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:<br /><br />"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"<br />"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"<br /><br />"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. "<br />A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.<br />"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!".<br /><br />"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if we’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."<br /><br />"Oh, really! What'd he say?"<br /><br />He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"</p>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-63178120038316206762017-02-23T13:01:00.003-08:002017-02-23T13:01:45.929-08:00Young farmhandIn a remote part of the country, a strapping young farmhand was sent to
the station to pick up the new school teacher who turned out to be an
attractive young woman.<br />
<br />
On the way back to the farm she noticed a stallion mounting a mare. “How do they know when to do that?” she enquired.<br />
<br />
The young man explained that it was a sense of smell.<br />
<br />
In the very next paddock a bull was enjoying himself on a cow.<br />
<br />
“Again, it is a sense of smell,” explained the country boy. “Just like that ram and ewe over there.”<br />
<br />
They got to the farmhouse, where he unloaded her luggage and turned to go. “See you later,” he said cheerily.<br />
<br />
“Thanks,” she replied. “And do come over when your cold gets better.”Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-3934071145012710872015-03-28T02:02:00.002-07:002015-03-28T02:02:33.960-07:00Semen sample<div class="usertext-body may-blank-within md-container">
<div class="md">
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' <br />
<br />
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.<br />
<br />
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. <br />
<br />
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. <br />
<br />
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.'<br />
<br />
The doctor was shocked and said, “asked your neighbor?”<br />
<br />
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.<br />
</div>
</div>
Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-6453558204243916952015-03-10T01:19:00.000-07:002015-03-10T01:19:10.921-07:00Trouble at homeTwo policemen call the station on the radio.<br /><br />
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"<br /><br />
"Yes?"<br /><br />
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."<br /><br />
"Have you arrested the woman?"<br /><br />
"No sir. The floor is still wet."Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-37138033672584502252014-01-27T14:04:00.003-08:002014-01-27T14:04:37.759-08:00Fatherly adviceFrom Ian<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A daughter asked her dad: </span></span></span></b></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Dad, there is something my boyfriend
said to me that I don’t understand:</span></span></span></i></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He said that I have a beautiful Chassis,
2 lovely Airbags and a fantastic Bumper”</span></span></span></i></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dad says: </span></span></span></b></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens up your Bonnet and pulls out his Dipstick to check
the Oil, I will give him such a service that his Motor will seize and his Exhaust
will fall off!”</span></span></span></i></b></div>
Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-27247916096557979152014-01-10T01:55:00.001-08:002014-01-10T01:55:18.149-08:00Rare blood type<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 11pt;">A
wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need
arose.<br /><br />As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so, the call went out.<br /><br />Finally a Scotsman was located who had a
similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the
Arab.<br /><br />After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.<br /><br />A
couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.<br /><br />The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate more of his blood again.<br /><br />After the second surgery, the Arab sent
the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.<br /><br />The
Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he
had before.<br /><br />He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be
generous again, that you would give me another BMW,<br /><br />diamonds and money,
but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."<br /><br />To this
the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma
veins".</span></span>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-6409005617687606192013-09-03T22:53:00.001-07:002013-09-03T22:53:24.212-07:00Fred<br />
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.<br />
<br />
'Fred,' he replies.<br />
<br />
'Fred what?' the officer asks.<br />
<br />
'Just Fred,' the man responds.<br />
<br />
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.<br />
<br />
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.<br />
<br />
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'<br />
<br />
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!<br />
<br />
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.<br />
<br />
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'<br />
<br />
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.<br />
Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-67516547433518737392013-09-03T02:39:00.000-07:002013-09-03T02:39:19.085-07:00The old nun<div>
From Vicki</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out. "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The worker yelled back. "'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."</div>
Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-60726043000453499312013-09-03T02:36:00.000-07:002013-09-03T02:36:00.405-07:00The talking centipede<br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">The Talking Centipede<br /> <br /> A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.<br /> So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.<br /> <br /> After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.<br /> <br /> He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, <br /> and decided he would start off by taking his new pet <span class="text_exposed_show">to the pub for a drink with him.<br /> <br /> So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."<br /> <br /> But there was no answer from his new pet.<br /> <br /> This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"<br /> <br /> But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. <br /> So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.<br /> <br /> The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.<br /> <br /> This time he put his face up against the centipede 's box and shouted,<br /> "HEY IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PUB WITH ME?"?<br /> .....<br /> This time, a little voice came out of the box,<br /> "I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my freaking shoes on!" </span></span>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-64307828224154126732013-09-03T02:33:00.000-07:002013-09-03T02:33:34.220-07:00The old rabbi and the priestFrom Eugene<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<div dir="ltr">
<div>
<div>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Tahoma;"><div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
After
a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded
"Yes, that is still one of our laws".</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
The
priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi
replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a
ham sandwich". The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his
reading.</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
A
while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest
replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
The
rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was
weak and broke my Faith".</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.</div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 8pt; text-align: justify;">
Finally, the rabbi said "Beats the daylights out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"</div>
</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-70481814735334807322012-10-29T02:10:00.003-07:002012-10-29T02:10:48.392-07:00Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?From Janine...
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-21204621541572384022012-08-21T14:03:00.003-07:002012-08-21T14:06:38.792-07:00When was I born?<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 22.0pt;">I
was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my
uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by
holding their breasts in my hands.<br />
<br />She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less.<br />
<br />Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then, give it a go!<br /><br />I
stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could
contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?"<br />
<br />I replied......
"Yesterday.
</span>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-33709058246096464542011-12-30T13:20:00.000-08:002011-12-30T13:21:24.263-08:00Are you a real pilot<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: sans-serif; color: black; font-size: 18pt;">An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.<br /> <br /> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'<br /> <br /> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?<br /> <br /> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'<br /> <br /> The two sat sipping in silence.<br /> <br /> A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"<br /> <br /> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'</span></span>Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-21026091891769899682011-10-05T23:20:00.000-07:002011-10-05T23:22:32.234-07:00Police stopFrom Bill<br /><br />An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.<br /><br />The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."<br /><br />The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"<br /><br />The man replies, "That would be my wife!Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-30596218574557097072011-03-27T19:03:00.001-07:002011-03-27T19:03:46.601-07:00True loveFrom Kirsty...<br /><br />Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."<br /><br />She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"<br /><br />He replies, "It's me...talking to the beer."Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-30251603089406384602011-03-10T13:26:00.001-08:002011-03-10T13:26:40.430-08:00Fried chickenOur teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.<br /><br />My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.<br /><br />Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.<br /><br />The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.<br /><br /> I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.<br /><br />I told her, "Colonel Sanders".<br /><br />Guess where I am now...Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-8326034203351013602010-11-23T12:35:00.000-08:002010-11-23T12:38:52.607-08:00The Sensitive ManA woman meets a man in a bar.<br /><br />They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..<br /><br />They get back to his place,<br /><br />And as he shows her around his apartment.<br /><br />She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.<br /><br />There are three shelves in the bedroom,<br /><br />With hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!<br /><br />It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them<br /><br />And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.<br /><br />There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,<br /><br />Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,<br /><br />And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf<br /><br />She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,<br /><br />She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.<br /><br />They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!<br /><br />Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'<br /><br />She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips<br /><br />He responds warmly<br /><br />They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom<br /><br />Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.<br /><br />She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.<br /><br />After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,<br /><br />They are lying there together in the afterglow.<br /><br />The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'<br /><br />The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says:<br /><br />'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-59551127464982235862010-10-17T02:16:00.000-07:002010-10-17T02:17:31.227-07:00Trivia contestFrom Greg<br /><br />Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.<br /><br />Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.<br /><br />The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"<br /><br />Apparently the correct answer is Africa.Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-64311929006927356832010-08-18T01:58:00.000-07:002010-08-18T01:59:17.414-07:00How to wash a cat1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.<br /><br />2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.<br /><br />3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.<br /><br />4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.<br /><br />5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.<br /><br />6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.<br /><br />7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.<br /><br />8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />The DogTonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-34710772816471250692010-05-27T11:48:00.001-07:002010-05-27T11:48:37.340-07:00Barking dogOne night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.<br /><br />Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.<br /><br />For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.<br /><br />My husband demanded to know what he was doing.<br /><br />"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-34288292723002367702010-04-17T23:19:00.001-07:002010-04-17T23:19:31.504-07:00No sex since 1955A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.<br /><br />"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"<br /><br />"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."<br /><br />The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."<br /><br />"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."<br /><br />The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."<br /><br />The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"<br /><br />"1955, ma'am."<br /><br />"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."<br /><br />She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.<br /><br />Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."<br /><br />The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-3842943382728619562010-04-17T23:13:00.001-07:002010-04-17T23:13:38.803-07:00Nothing to worry about?From Rand.<br /><br />A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.<br /><br />"What's the matter?" he was asked.<br /><br />He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."<br /><br />"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"<br /><br />"She was talking to the doctor."Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3385760573942151604.post-86555141446506875502010-01-06T13:00:00.000-08:002010-01-06T13:01:16.355-08:00New Element DiscoveredFrom Narelle<br /><br />Queensland University researchers have rediscovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The newly rediscovered element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.<br /><br /><br />These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no protons and electrons, it is inert.. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.<br /> <br />A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.<br /> <br />In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.<br /><br /><br />This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.Tonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16719976089855203933noreply@blogger.com0