Thursday, February 23, 2017

Young farmhand

In a remote part of the country, a strapping young farmhand was sent to the station to pick up the new school teacher who turned out to be an attractive young woman.

On the way back to the farm she noticed a stallion mounting a mare.  “How do they know when to do that?” she enquired.

The young man explained that it was a sense of smell.

In the very next paddock a bull was enjoying himself on a cow.

“Again, it is a sense of smell,” explained the country boy. “Just like that ram and ewe over there.”

They got to the farmhouse, where he unloaded her luggage and turned to go.  “See you later,” he said cheerily.

“Thanks,” she replied.  “And do come over when your cold gets better.”

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Semen sample

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked and said, “asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Trouble at home

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Monday, January 27, 2014

Fatherly advice

From Ian


A daughter asked her dad:
“Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me that I don’t understand:
He said that I have a beautiful Chassis, 2 lovely Airbags and a fantastic Bumper”
Dad says:
“You tell your boyfriend that if he opens up your Bonnet and pulls out his Dipstick to check the Oil, I will give him such a service that his Motor will seize and his Exhaust will fall off!”

Friday, January 10, 2014

Rare blood type

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW,

diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Fred


An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!

Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The old nun

From Vicki

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out. "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back.  "'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

The talking centipede


The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede 's box and shouted,
"HEY IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PUB WITH ME?"?
.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I 'm putting my freaking shoes on!" 

The old rabbi and the priest

From Eugene

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws".

The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich". The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith".

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said "Beats the daylights out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Monday, October 29, 2012

Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?

From Janine... An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?" The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s! Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

When was I born?

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less.

Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then, give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “When was I born then?"

I replied...... "Yesterday.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Are you a real pilot

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Police stop

From Bill

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

True love

From Kirsty...

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me...talking to the beer."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Fried chicken

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Trivia contest

From Greg

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Africa.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How to wash a cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Barking dog

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."

Saturday, April 17, 2010

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Nothing to worry about?

From Rand.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

New Element Discovered

From Narelle

Queensland University researchers have rediscovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The newly rediscovered element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no protons and electrons, it is inert.. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.


This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Water resources

From Greg

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him your card!!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Popular Rabbi

From Mary...

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw him."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What's the difference between Forrest Gump and Sarah Palin?

Answer: Forrest Gump made sense

(Thanks to Phil)

Friday, January 23, 2009

What is this world coming to?

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Murphy's sex laws

- Nothing improves with age.

- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The $10 cure

From Julia...

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later, the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't youever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have savedall that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

Friday, October 24, 2008

Feeling down

I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Heart attack

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." ---Demetri Martin

Stock market quote of the week

“This is worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Signs

From Mike...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'


In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'


On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At a Proctologist's door:
' To expedite your visit, please back in.'


On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'


On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'


At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'


On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'


In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'


On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'


At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'


On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'


On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'


At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'


Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'


At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'


In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'


At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'


And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'


Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I forget

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

Monday, July 7, 2008

10 Kisses

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? "

Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Prenuptial agreement for the elderly

From HIlary...

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it 'infrequently' ' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

Never ever question a drunk

From Kendra...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Bad sport

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded yes.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb $+!@%$%' is it?'

Again the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother

Friday, June 20, 2008

Comfortable underwear

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Young school student - spoke "inappropriately"

This is supposed to be a true story from a school teacher...

Early in the year, a new Year One student who was immaculately dressed, with flowing blonde curls and the biggest blue eyes, was sent to me with a note stating that she had spoken ‘inappropriately’. Often when notes are couched in this way, I am reticent to ask the student what they actually said, however on this occasion her look of demure innocence led me to take the risk.

Eye’s lowered, she replied, ‘I said ‘Shut-up’. With some relief I gave a sad though severe look, stating, ‘Oh dear, that’s not very nice is it?’

With some affront, she looked me straight in the eye and replied, ‘But I didn’t say s h i t’.

Ozwords contest

These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. You'll need to be an Aussie to understand!!!???

* billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
* bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet. (this one's gotta be the winner!)
* dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
* fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.
* flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
* yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
* bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
* shornbag: a particularly attractive n a k e d sheep
* technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party

Thursday, May 22, 2008

9 months later

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.

"Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

Angry wife

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush.. .

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Bra buying cowboy

God Bless them thar dern Cowboys!

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town

Except at cattle-shipping time,

I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -

I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,

"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her

An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat



I walked into the ladies shop

My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance

On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -

I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store

Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"

Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.



She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley

Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor

When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles

That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy

'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours

And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.



They had bras that made you feel

Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in

When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -

Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size

I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,

"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -

I measured them last night!"



I thought that she'd go into shock,

Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust

Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,

I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."

This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered

And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,

To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,

Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."



My wife had heard the story

'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women

Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care..

Now she don't ask and I don't shop

For women's underwear.

Friday, March 14, 2008

On becoming president

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

--Clarence Darrow

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Man's best friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Secret to a happy marriage

From Mike

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you absolutely crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment....."We have lived happily ever after.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Family holiday

Preparing for a family holiday, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Graveside service

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

New drugs for women

From Sarah

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Little Tony

From Julia

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Zen sarcasm

From Julia

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Political Correctness

From Damien

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term: Political Correctness.

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Prancer

From Damien

Did you hear about Prancer the brown nosed reindeer?

He was as fast as Rudolf, but couldn't stop as quickly.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Morning Sex

From Kendra,

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned and said, 'You've got to make love to me -- this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Thursday, November 29, 2007

appeal for help

Contributed by Toddly,

hi

I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying.

Don't cry, Mommy!

Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people.

I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail to everyone you know.

Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this e-mail to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA.

With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors.

The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body.

I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame and help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its own poop in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You.

Billy "Smiles" Evans (the boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Bad day

From Damien,

On the way to work this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor guy. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said, "I am not happy."

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Never Argue with a Woman

From my wife, Hilary, who else???

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Love in a mental hospital

From Lorrice

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a Crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Perfect shopping day

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his full time carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Five Rules for Men to Follow for A Happy Life

From Glenn...

1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks, and cleans up.

2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.

3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.

4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Six months to live

From Damien (who is married to an accountant)

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2006

From Yvette’s friends via Maryse

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Labor pains

From Katrina

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The working woman's great household tips

From Maryse

Margaret Fulton's way:

Stuff miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Working Woman's way:

Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!!




Margaret Fulton's:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Working Woman's:

Woolworths sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.




Margaret Fulton's:

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

Working Woman's:

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, tough! Recite the working Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"




Margaret Fulton's:

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Working Woman's:

It could keep forever. Who eats it??




Margaret Fulton's:

Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Working Woman's:

Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a double vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care!




AND FINALLY, THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP..

Margaret Fulton's:

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Working Woman's:

Left over wine??? HELLO!!!????


Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Ranch Hand

From Kendra

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Frank is Missing.....

From Maryse

Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds – AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Frank has been missing since Friday.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Lipstick lip prints

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Mothers obsessions

From Julia

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy session with 4 young mothers & their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the 1st mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the 2nd Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the 3rd Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Women and cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

3 single guys moose hunting

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Fight with the little woman

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.”

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Rude parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Blind man in girls biker bar

From Gerard...

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, .not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Friday, August 3, 2007

Rabbi and tax inspector

From Mike M...

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Elderly man and the dam

An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he'd planted some mangoes and avocado trees. It was a beautiful spot. He had the dam done up, made it deep enough for swimming and put some picnic tables down, where he could sit in the shade.

One evening the farmer decided he would go down to the dam. It was a nice sunny evening, with a beautiful Queensland sunset. He decided he would have a look at the dam. He took a 10-litre bucket so he could go down and pick some fruit and bring it back up to the house.

As he came down towards the dam he could hear some laughing. And as he approached, he became aware of the presence of women in the dam. This became quite a concern to him, because the young women were actually skinny-dipping in his dam.

Of course, being a gentleman, he made the women aware of his presence. And the women moved to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted out, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned. He said, "I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked, or to get you out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm actually just down here to feed the crocodiles."

The moral of the story: old men may walk slowly, but they think fast.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Bird flu symptoms

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, listed from the least to the most critical, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Stevie and Tiger

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

Health books

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Internet dating

I had to voice my concern when a colleague said she found dates using the internet.

"Don't worry about me" she said.

"I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course."

"Why there?" I asked.

"First, it's a public spot" she said.

"Second, it's in broad daylight.

And third, I have a club in my hand"

Friday, July 20, 2007

Ever nagging wife

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Rose by any other name is still a rose

"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bedroom antics

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"